At the grocery store, four year old Maya spots a toy she wants. When her mom says no, Maya’s face crumples. She begins to cry, then scream. Other shoppers glance over as her mom tries to stay calm, feeling her patience unravel.

Moments like this can feel overwhelming. But how a parent responds during these small storms does more than restore peace in the aisle; it helps children understand, express, and regulate their emotions. These moments of guidance build the foundation for long term emotional resilience.

At the University of Toronto Mississauga, developmental psychologist Dr. Ruth Speidel and her team studied how parents can turn emotionally charged moments into opportunities for growth. Dr. Speidel was involved in research examining the Reminiscing and Emotion Training (RET) program, a brief targeted intervention that helps parents understand their children’s emotional needs and strengthen bonds through emotion focused conversations.  

Dr. Speidel explains that “supporting parents in building practical skills, like how to talk about past emotional events in supportive ways, can strengthen children’s social emotional capacities.” Many parents in the program are surprised by how impactful these conversations become. As she notes, “some parents mentioned they hadn’t realized how meaningful it could be to reminisce about everyday experiences.”

Dr. Speidel’s research finds that even simple interventions like RET can produce improvements in children’s self- regulation. Parents who tried RET were able to better support children with emotional understanding. She highlights that while long term supports are important,  “shorter and more targeted interventions can also make a meaningful difference in children’s lives.”

The heart of RET is emotion based reminiscing, where revisiting past moments of sadness, anger or frustration, using empathetic communication, is encouraged. Parents are encouraged to acknowledge a child’s feelings, explore what happened, and help them make sense of why they felt the way they did.

“Reminiscing stood out as a particularly powerful tool for helping children make sense of their feelings”, explains Dr. Speidel. “When parents revisit past emotional experiences with sensitivity and openness, children learn to recognize what emotions feel like, what causes them and how to manage them.”

After Maya’s emotional outburst, her parent might say, “Remember when you were sad because you couldn’t get the toy at the store? That was really hard, wasn’t it? What helped you feel better after?” Gentle questions like these can help children understand their emotional patterns and develop coping strategies that can be useful throughout their lifetime.

RET also highlights the importance of repairing relationships after conflict. Parents learn to see emotional outbursts as opportunities to model empathy and accountability. Even something as simple as saying “I got frustrated earlier, and I’m sorry” shows a child that emotions are manageable and relationships can be mended.

Many parents who participate in the program say they feel a stronger bond with their children and have become more comfortable talking about feelings at home. As Dr. Speidel notes, “talking about emotions helps children feel understood and connected,” which is why these everyday conversations can make such a meaningful difference in how children learn to make sense of their feelings.

The lessons from Dr. Speidel’s research extend beyond the home. Educators and childcare professionals can use these same strategies in classrooms, helping children identify emotions during story time, reflect on peer conflicts, or simply by talking about their day. Emotion focused conversations support emotional awareness and self-regulation across environments in children.

Here are a few simple ways parents and caregivers can put these ideas into practice at home:

Talking about emotions after they occur

After things have settled, take a moment to revisit the situation together and ask gentle questions such as, “What happened?” or “How did you feel?” This helps children connect their feelings to the experience and consider different ways they may respond next time.